Open letter from Kyra Kitts to all
Sai Baba Devotees:
The Pain of Self Searching
From knkitts (Kyra Kitts) on:
Sathya Sai Baba Discussion Club, message 2500:
Date: 8/8/01 12:49 a.m.
Dear Sai Baba Devotees,
I think I can speak safely for the majority of ex-Sai Baba devotees from the basis of my own experience. Please bear such statements in mind before you jump into reactive anger rather than the compassionate "how can I help" mindset that the best words of Sai Baba convey.
I was as devoted as a devotee gets. Baba was on my mind and in my heart 24 hours a day. I lived my life for Swami. I asked very little of Swami other than to serve him. In short, I was you.
Then the inconsistencies began to appear that I tried to deny. At first I treated them as slanderous rumors. How could Baba behave in any other than a perfect way? Of course he was the great mirror of all negativity.
Then the inconsistencies grew larger and not so easy to brush off. Friends who came back from India with haunted looks in their eyes, men and women both. Before bhajans they'd say how extraordinary their visit to Baba had been, but their manner conveyed something different and unsettling. They didn't talk a lot.
My own trip to India was something that I looked forward to as the spiritual grace of a lifetime. Sam Sandweiss said to me at a Baba retreat in La Honda, California before I left; "Your vision experience with Swami was extraordinary. Most people don't get something like that. Maybe Swami has some great plan for you."
So off to India I went, 5 months pregnant against the better advice of family, friends, and midwife. I was in the depths of that indescribably sweet and painful yearning to see my Baba. I also looked at my expectations relentlessly.
Like most spiritual seekers, I look at my inner garbage critically and honestly. At Puttaparthi I was emotional from pregnancy and nearness to Swami. I was a vulnerable and wide open book.
Here you may disagree with me, thinking me shallow and filthy, but so be it. What Sai Baba did to me during my interview was cruel, petty, and malicious. It took me years of agonizing to come to that realization.
I was in shock after the experience. If Baba had said these things to me then I must be a reincarnation of Attila the Hun, at the least. I tried to rationalize his treatment of me. I began to wonder if I really was a pervert of some sort for the thoughts I'd had at Puttaparthi.
For a while I convinced myself that this was the truth. Gradually my inner truth overcame my doubts. I had been treated unjustly and the mirror was a poor reflector. Satya, not Sai, prevailed.
When a friend at my center finally told me and one other woman about his repeated molestations as an adolescent by Sai Baba, the last of my doubts vanished. This same fellow was in Walter Cowan's room at the time of the alleged miracle. My friend said that nothing miraculous had ever happened, and that the story had been falsified.
This same fellow last I heard of him still attends Sai satsang, still trying to rationalize the abuse done to him by now over 40 years ago. His life was ruined by the molestations.
Dear friends, when you come to that hideously painful realization for yourselves, and I have no doubt it will come, please don't be afraid to reach out for help. If I'm reading your post I'll reply to you with kindness and compassion. I'll try and share with you what I was never given by others during my own healing process. My words come from my heart.
Blessings to all of you.
With deep love,