Minimum requirements to become YASSB (yet another Sathya Sai Baba)


Date: 09-15-02

Copied (and slightly adapted) from:

Foremost requirements:

You must BELIEVE that you are God. How else would you hope to convince well educated people if you are not convinced of thist yourself?

India is the best place to launch yourself. After all, Where else can you find so many gullible souls willing to be led astray in the name of religion?

Take time to choose a new name that ends with Baba or Guru or something similar. And avoid using Sai Baba in your name. The name is already tarnished beyond repair.

1. Have a weird screwed up hair style. If possible, avoid the Afro as there are now too many Sai Baba's with the same Afro look on their heads. And besides, you don't want people to associate your looks with those of Sathya Sai Baba. Suggestion: either remove your hair (the ones on the head) totally or keep long, flowing hair (on your head)

2. Looks don't really matter. Even if you look like the worst ugly person on Earth (Sathya Sai Baba is living proof of this), it should not bother you.

3. Learn some key words from the Vedas, from the Bible and from the Koran. You don't have to have in-depth knowledge of any one religion (similar to Sathya Sai Baba), just know some keywords and babble some general words. Sathya Sai Baba babbles about prema, so maybe you could choose something else, like peace and non-violence. And splatter your talks with these keywords used every now and then.

4. Avoid Saffron, go for something new, like a dark blue or jet black flowing robe. Or better, just be almost stark naked. That's a sure sign of renunciation. But be warned, if you are almost stark naked, you may not have too much room for hiding things that can be materialized. (Unless you choose to give "birth" to small sized objects a.k.a. Sathya Sai Baba.)

5. Don't bless people, that's passé. Sathya Sai Baba does a big mistake there. Just do a kind of a greeting, the namasté is highly recommended, and your slogan could be something totally new, that you "bow to the divine in everyone".

6. Invest some money in getting to know some vices of the current leading Indian politicians. In Delhi, you can get soft/hard copies of such reports for a price. Use the same to get them to come and fall at your feet in public and to speak highly about you. Try and get some industrialist or venture capitalist to fund you. That is, if you cannot get some rich devotees in the first place.

7. In the beginning, speak to your local political leader to assist you in gathering "paid for" crowds. You can literally hire them by the truck loads from various villages. I can recommend some resources in Prashanti Nilayam who would assist, for a price.

8. Never claim to be God yourself (don't even say that you are omni-whatever, even if you believe that you are). Invest in some devotees who would claim all those words on your behalf. This is another place where the Afro Pedophile went wrong. Say you are just another normal man who is forced to do welfare for all. If you are asked about the Pedophile Guru and the other "Gods", just say that you see divinity in everyone.

9. Choose your miracles with great care and never perform one in front of a camera, even if it is a trustworthy devotee behind the camera. Some institutions and trainers would be glad to assist you in learning the miracles. Also, invest in some devotees who would be glad to witness and talk about these miracles and who, in turn, would be glad to blow it out of proportions.

10. Invest in some young thugs who would attempt an assassination on you and ensure that the attempts get good publicity in the media.

11. Choose your assistants with great care. Never let your right hand know what the heck is the left one doing. The last thing you want on your hands is another Hari Sampath. If you end up with one, you must seriously consider Hara Kiri.

12. Remember, whatever little you spend on social welfare, ensure that it gets 500 times the publicity it may deserve.

13. Last but not the least, try not to mix your sexual preferences with your work. Éven Gods have sexual preferences, and "normal" is a relative word. So, whatever be the temptation, try not to have sex with your devotees, even if they are not human. (As is being laid out before your eyes, this is going to be the main reason for Sathya Sai Baba's downfall.)