Testimony from phoenixboy28
From phoenixboy28 on:
Sathya Sai Baba Discussion Club, message 783, 784, 1001, 1702 and 1703:
Date: 11/5/00 12:50 a.m.
This is a message to you all especially in the first instance yosyx.
I came onto this discussion board firstly to hear what people had to say about sb and what the latest information was regarding what had been happening.
Yosyx you do not know who I am as I do not know who you are. If you have humility then show some. If you are intent on joining in the conversations that I have been having with the ones who have had the decency and interest in what I have had to say and question then please do so respectfully as I would do to you as another human being. I thank people like Christolina for their encouragement and show of love for their fellow humans, it doesn't go to my head and don't degrade their love by saying that they are patting me on the back. Show some respect for them and for yourself.
My strong belief is that we are all divine, all god all connected and completely one. This means that there is no separation between you and me or anyone or anything. That is my belief. I have not obtained this by reading books or listening to discourses I have come to this by my own experiences and hard work. By no means am I saying I am perfect in any way! I only question and look inside searching for the answers that really ache inside my heart.
Recently I have really questioned my beliefs on everything. Through an experience which I have had very recently, which I will not go into detail on here, I have realized that all my beliefs and rituals and practices have all no meaning. That's not to say that they didn't at the time but now I have no need for the beliefs that I had for many years.
My very life was 24 hours a day thinking about God and in particular Sai baba. I underwent extreme mental punishment for my beliefs by my family and friends. Nothing would deter me from what I believed. Now I have to say that I have moved on a little to where I was then. I don't consider myself a devotee and I don't consider myself to be against Sb in any way also. He helped me to get to where I am today. That might not mean anything to anyone on here because you don't know me personally but it means a great deal to me because I know where I was and where I am now.
Now I want to say if sb did what people are saying he did then the truth will come out and things will be dealt with accordingly. I have no ill feelings because I haven't experienced what the ones who have bad experiences felt. It must be part of their lives to deal with it the way that they want to deal with it. It is all part of the game of life and we as the players must play it the best of our ability, in the end we are all one. Again this is my belief.
Date: 11/5/00 12:51 a.m.
I have to say again do away with the organization, and all religions because they are causing more harm than they are good. But that's where I am coming from and many are still in religions because they need to be until they move on from that as well. We can see what is happening with the Israeli's and the Moslems and the Irish Catholics and the protestants and the rest of them. Here in my home town there is a Buddhist temple and the Anglican religion is currently trying to stop them by saying they need to uphold their sovereign god above all others. This makes no sense to me. That's why I say we need to reevaluate our beliefs constantly and see if they are producing the desired effects.
If I have learnt anything from my experience with Sb then it is that we must all worship and cultivate the guru within our hearts. It is something that I hold onto because at this point in time it is helping me to grow. So everyday I go about my business and try my hardest to see God in everything and everyone, that means I see myself in everything and everyone and thank them for being a part of my life. I believe this is helping not only me but everyone around me.
The only reason I stay with this discussion is that I find it very interesting at times and it helps me to understand others too as well as myself.
Thanks everyone for listening and sharing your wisdom.
PS. I am sorry that I don't write sooner but with the time delay and other things I need to get done it seems like you are all sleeping when I am awake in Australia.
Date: 11/15/00 4:34 p.m.
To All in this discussion
I have just read Conny Larsson's Story in Keenan's site. The open letter he wrote to Sai Baba.
I have to say that after reading it my heart sank. Even though I have read the findings and also have had personal accounts given to me, this letter really hit me the hardest.
With all my posts about moving on and seeing yourself as God which I truly believe to be the case, I still feel anger, and hurt over what has happened.
I don't fully understand what has been going on. I don't fully accept the stories and the allegations, but my heart doesn't want to accept them. My heart wants to believe that Sai is here for us helping us and humanity. What else do we have left? Where will we be?. See how much I gave my power to him! See how much I hurt my family for him!
We as humanity have been crying out for the advent of our highest ideal in human form. We have been longing for our beloved to come and be with us and show us the way. How dare it be fakery! How dare someone lead us to believe in them so much that we give them our lives! How dare they promise so much!
I don't fully understand what is happening, I only hope my heart and all the others hearts are strong enough to take it, to grow from it and to help others from it.
I don't say I am a saint. I don't say I am pure. I dot say I dot have desires. I prayed at his feet. I expected so much. I am sorry for my confusion, for my misunderstanding.
Dear Sai if you are who u say you are then make it better. Make me see the light. I prayed to you, Asato Ma Sad gamaya Tamaso Ma jyothi gamaya Mytor Ma amitram gamaya, and I cried out to you Loka Samasta Sukhino Bhavantu. Tears always as now welled up in my eyes. My heart ached for you. Do not betray me.
Date: 12/16/00 7:02 p.m.
It was a strange time for me in PN, Ill tell you a couple of my experiences and elaborate on the setup a little for those who haven't been to PN.
I used to get up at about 230am and shower and get dressed to be at the first lines at about 3 to 330am. The first mens line is where you singularly line up down the hill from where the VIPs stay as I can remember it and then depending on how many are there at about 5am I think it was 5am they move you on down to the back of the mandir where they line you up in lines and the first person in the line picks out a chit or number from a lottery bag. Depending on your number is the number you enter the mandir complex and then sit and wait for sb to arrive.
it used to make me laugh a little because the seva dal would at first say no cameras umbrellas etc allowed. And then when you walked into the hall we had to go through a security check like the ones you go through at an airport which detects metal objects. This was also funny because I would always carry the same things in and sometimes it would go off and sometimes it wouldn't,faulty I don't know but I used to laugh at it.
Then after that we sit and wait for baba to arrive in the hall which is usually spot on at 7am after the priests have done their morning chants. Then baba would arrive and go straight from the women to the men without seeming to stay any length of time with the womenbut come directly to the men. I guess I was lucky because for the majority of the time I was always at the front.
I didn't come with a group just myself and another friend who had been several times before.
It was the second day that we were there that baba came past us and said Australia and I said yes and he said go, which I didn't know what he was talking about and some man behind me said why are you sitting there he said go. So anyway quickly I learnt that that meant an interview.
So this scared me a little but I felt glad that he said it.
Then entering the room I sat down in the middle of the men and ladies in front of his chair, then he came in and berated me for sitting where I was because he said men and Women in PN are separate, so he told me to move. I thought it was strange but you don't question God.
Date: 12/16/00 7:09 p.m.
Anyhow there were about 9 people in the room with me so it wasn't that crowded. I remember looking all over the room trying to take in as much as I could I remember the clock on the wall and the chair he sat in which swiveled and the small red cushion he had to put his feet on.
Anyhow there was a lady in the room and she had a ring which I guess he had materialized previously and he said he wanted to change it for her so I saw him toss the ring behind him and then produce another from behind him it was plainly obvious to me that he did it and I didn't know if anyone else saw him do it but he looked at me as if to say did you see it? He asked questions of people there and then took groups into the inner room. I remember there being a door behind a curtain.
Anyhow he took me and my friend in there and told me things which had nothing to do with me at all seemingly like he didn't know me and I thought it was strange that god didn't know me.
Then he took us back into the other room and gave us all small packets of vibuthi and then we went out.
I thought the whole process a bit strange because it really didn't seem like he knew me at all and was telling me things that were not me.
So that was my interview.